


Sooper Sekrit Santa

by outsideth3box



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen, Holiday-theme, M/M, Rodney McKay/John Sheppard - Freeform, Sentient Atlantis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 13:16:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5627947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outsideth3box/pseuds/outsideth3box
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Holiday Gift-Giving on Atlantis. (Not all of the surprises come wrapped with ribbon.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sooper Sekrit Santa

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sarka](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Sarka).



> Many grateful thanks to Mischief5, who is a thoughtful and thorough beta and made this work much better.

Sooper Sekrit Santa

 

Atlantis knows all her people's secrets. She can't help it: the lack of paper forces computerization of everything, requisitions, intake manifests, mission reports, even menus and private journals. For instance, she knows from intake records that Doctor Bailey brought a collection of books and CDs on how to speak Japanese as part of her personal item allotment. But Atlantis has never seen or heard her practicing with anyone. 

In addition to all of the things that become part of her database in one way or another, she sees and hears everything. The Atlanteans have still not discovered all the parts of her security system, the miniaturized cameras and recorders that exist in every single part of her. She would be more forthcoming about them, but she fears her people would react by dismantling them and she would be bored and lonely with so little contact. 

Nor would she have much of a security system, being blind and deaf. Often the only way they know a Wraith has somehow entered the city is by virtue of her detecting it and presenting its non-human life sign to the Atlanteans.

So the result is that, without even trying, she is aware of the little brunette biologist and the former SWAT team member who both have collections of Green Lantern comics that she has seen them read and reread. And yet she saw each of them walk, separately, out of the movie less than halfway through. 

Right now, Atlantis is watching her people plan their Winter Holiday celebration, which will happen in a few months. This way everyone has time to do something they call "Secret Santa," which involves the random assignment of a name to each person, to whom they will give a gift from the attached "wish list" when the Holiday rolls around. Starting early allows everyone a chance to place a requisition with the _Daedalus_ to provide a gift to give.

Doctor Rodney McKay is one of her favorites for his skill in repairing and refining her functions. (He has repaired the long-range sensors to function at an even greater capacity than they were originally designed to do. She is impressed.) He has written a program to hold all of the names and wish lists for the Secret Santa game and assign them as randomly as possible. 

In previous years, people gladly gave gifts, everyone smiling and pleased with what they received, but somehow the gifts did not bring them together, connect them in any way. It has become extremely clear to Atlantis that the problem here is the random factor.

This year Atlantis is doing a bit of "Secret Santa-ing" of her own.

 

**********

 

At 7 a.m. on June 37th, 5 days before the _Daedalus_ is scheduled to ship back to Earth, every person who is expected to still be working in Atlantis on December 25th receives an email. The email is sparkly and non-denominational and plays tinkly music. It contains everyone's giftee's name and their wish list, (secretly edited by Atlantis). 

The mess that morning is full of people grinning and giggling, and holding their hands in front of their faces. For a base full of people who have lived most of their adult lives keeping major secrets, they all seem about to burst. 

Almost all. Over in the corner by the krosic plant sits Senior Airman Jeff Bronte, with a pensive expression. His giftee is one of the marines, a Sergeant Dan Surman, who has on his wish list six different kinds of yarn and sock blockers in small, medium, and large. It makes him nervous. Is it a trick? Could someone have found out about Jeff's knitting hobby and decided to out him to the whole Military contingent? Sweet Jesus, he'll be laughed off the base and have to go to PKX-392 and live in a yurt. With a goat. For yarn.

The marines are pretty clear in their opinions of what constitutes a "manly" activity and what does _not_ , and, well…knitting. 

On the other hand, Sergeant Surman _is_ a marine, and it looks like he has balls enough to have put these items on his wish list. Maybe Jeff should be man enough to fulfill his wish. Nodding to himself with a gusty sigh, Jeff stands to go get his computer and fill out a requisition form to send on the _Daedalus_.

 

********

Sergeant Dan Surman, however, is going through a similar internal debate. Only he is doing it while rocking wildly in his Athosian-made rocking chair and knitting like a madman. Usually knitting or crocheting relaxes him. Working with the yarns and fibers, turning nothing—string for all intents and purposes—into something wonderful, like a sweater for a Wraith-orphaned child, or several pairs of socks for Halling in appreciation for the rocking chair. But right now, it's just winding him up. How does this flyboy Bronte know that Surman is the one to ask for these things? He wants circular needles and a _sock loom_ for chrissake. Most people wouldn't even know what those were!

Wait a minute. He sat forward so suddenly that the back of the rocker hit him in the head. That's true. There are other things on the list that Dan has no clue about. "A compilation of this year's new Pepperony fanfic." Seriously WTF? Is that even English? 

So yeah, probably just a coincidence. Rocking much more calmly now, Dan resumes his knitting with a small smile.

 

********

 

Miko Kusanagi gently taps her finger against her lips and smiles again. Something is definitely going on. She received a wish list from one of the newish botanists, who requested Japanese language lessons. Miko knows she is the only native speaker on Atlantis and has calculated the probability of this particular wish list ending up in _her_ hands at random. The odds are astronomical. Definitely

Oh, she'll give the lessons, absolutely. It fills her heart with joy to think that someone wants to know her language, and it will be lovely to speak her native tongue again. But Miko is the one who proofed Doctor McKay's code for the random swap generator and it is perfect, and the security on it is nearly unhackable. 

Nearly. Aside from herself and Doctor McKay, there is only one other she can think of who has the capability. 

She takes up her non-networked computer and walks down the hall to the lab where Doctor McKay and Doctor Zelenka are working. 

Miko straightens her spine, firms up her expression, and steps confidently into Doctor McKay's space. He ignores her at first. She starts tapping her foot and his shoulders droop. Doctor Zelenka giggles. Turning, Doctor McKay grumbles, "Yes, what?" 

"We will go to the Alpha site. You will gather your team and Doctor Zelenka. Everyone will bring a non-networked computer. We will leave in twenty minutes." She keeps her expression stern. 

"What? We, I mean, what? I mean, we will do no such thing, I have tons… of…"

She _looks_ at him. Doctor Zelenka begins to hum nervously.

"But, but, I have work!"

She _looks_ again.

"But, I—"

She crosses her arms.

He crumbles. "All right, all right." 

She turns and as she heads for the door, Doctor McKay calls out, "But why?"

She stops abruptly and starts to turn and he says, "Okay! Okay, no problem, twenty minutes, yes, we'll be there."

She smiles as she heads for Woolsey's office.

 

********

 

"But wouldn't we know if there is something wrong at the Alpha site?" Sheppard whispers into McKay's ear. Again. Their mystery party seems to include several people John doesn't know, and a couple of military men whose duties and experiences make him wonder why they are here.

"I don't know, I tell you. She just said we were going, and that's all!"

"That's all?" 

"Well, no. She, she Looked at me." Rodney's eyes skitter around the gate room, searching out the infamous Miko Kusanagi. "You know how she is! She _looked_ at me!"

John squints an eye in Miko's direction and sighs.

 

********

 

After speaking briefly with the team that is currently posted at the Alpha Site, John sends them off to do perimeter checks and sits down at the hand-made picnic table. "All right, kiddies," he calls, now that the diverse group has reached the more-or-less permanent Alpha encampment. "Gather 'round! The mystery is about to be revealed." He waves a hand at Miko. "Doctor Miko Kusanagi, if you please."

Miko rises and stands at the front of the table with a twinkle in her eyes. "Yes, thank you, Colonel Sheppard. I brought us all here because I want us to be beyond Atlantis' reach. No, no, Colonel, it is nothing bad. I simply believe that Atlantis is tampering with our Secret Santa game, and I don't want her to know we are onto her."

Mouths drop open around the table. 

"And I can prove it."

"That's ridiculous! You would have to be saying that Atlantis' AI is sentient!" Rodney scoffs, waving a hand dismissively.

"I can prove it," she says with a slight smirk, looking Sheppard directly in the eye. "Can't I?"

John squirms in his seat and stares at the wood grain of the table, clearing his throat. "Uh, I uh—"

"Colonel John Sheppard, I will not stand here and conspire with you to persist in this secrecy. You know. You have always known."

John casts a wary glance at Miko and freezes. She is _looking_ at him! With her arms crossed!

John slumps. "Yeah," he says. "Yeah, I've always known."

None of the wide eyes around the table are as wide as Rodney's as he turns and punches John in the shoulder. "You've always known Atlantis is sentient? And you never told me? You bastard, how could you keep such a thing from me?"

"Because I figured you would think I'm crazy," John growls. 

"I do think you're crazy! I think you're both crazy! But I am willing to be convinced," Rodney says, kicking John grumpily. 

"Miko, you'd best make with the proving now, before I'm all bruises," says John, pouting.

"Very well, I shall start with myself. I have been assigned a giftee whose wish list included the desire for Japanese language lessons." She pauses and looks around the table. Most of the people sitting there are looking puzzled, but McKay's big brain has already figured it out.

"And you are the only native speaker in Atlantis!" he exclaims. Then he frowns. "But there is no way to prove it's not a wild coincidence."

"Oh but there is. Because I went and spoke to her. She did not include that wish on her list." Miko looks just a tiny bit smug now, as gasps ripple around the table.

"Colonel Sheppard, what is on your giftee's wish list that they could get only from you?" 

"But we aren't supposed to—" Miko starts to fold her arms. "Golf. He wants the chance to play golf now and then."

Rodney smacked him again. "And that didn't clue you in? I can't believe—wait a minute, I got you! Seriously? 'Whatever'? Did Atlantis mess with your list too?"

"I wrote chocolate and coffee, too!" John protests. 

"Oh, no wonder she gave your list to me," Rodney says, "Any other moron would actually get you chocolate. I, on the other hand, know what you really want." Rodney froze for a moment. "Oh my god! Atlantis _is_ sentient! 

Suddenly Jeff Bronte speaks up. "I think I get it." He looks over at Dan Surman, blushing. "You didn't put yarn and sock blockers on your list, did you?"

Dan goes pale, eyes wide. "God, no! I really didn't. But, umm, since it's there…"

"Yeah," says Jeff. "Me too. Umm, what did she put for me?"

"Three sizes of circular knitting needles and a sock loom."

"Oh. Well, great." Jeff smiles. "Maybe we can get together sometime and have a good ol' manly knitting circle. With beer."

Dan bursts out laughing and says, "Yeah. Yeah, I'd really like that."

"I believe," says Miko. "That this is Atlantis' goal. Do you notice how she is pairing up people with similar interests, or making pairs where one person can fulfill the wish of another who would be apprehensive about asking?"

People around the table begin comparing lists and talking among themselves. Miko lets it go on for a while, then clears her throat loudly. Everyone looks up.

"And now the reason I brought you all here and revealed Atlantis' sentience to you. I want to know, now, while we have time, what are we going to give Atlantis for the Secret Santa?"

Once again, mouths drop open around the table, then everyone starts talking at once.

********

After months of surreptitious trading of non-networked computers and many, many trips to the Alpha site, the Holiday season is building to a peak, only three days away. The _Daedalus_ arrived a week ago and everyone has been walking around with secret smiles since then. Rodney and his team are still working their hearts out to make sure every last line of code is perfect. 

By Holiday eve, the team is as done as done gets and people are gathering in the mess for mulled wine and holiday songs. John and Rodney are leaning shoulder to shoulder with the mellow feeling several mugs of wine and the presence of friends will grant. As the night wears on, the singing dies down, and people start to meander off to their quarters, some still humming songs from earlier.

When Rodney wakes the next morning, John wrapped snugly around him, he feels happy and excited and can't wait to get up and get started with the day. John is still sleeping soundly and Rodney hesitates to wake him, but the excitement overcomes him and he pokes John in the arm. 

"Hmmph," John mumbles and tightens his arm.

"Get up, it's Holiday! Hurry, let's go!" Rodney pushes John away and throws back the covers.

"Aaargh! Why? Why are you so like this?" John growls.

"It's Holiday! Come on, Mr. Grinch!" Rodney pulls John to his feet and pushes him toward the bathroom. "Go, go, go!"

By the time John emerges from the bathroom minty and clean-shaven, Rodney has made the bed, made a pot of coffee and drunk half of it, and picked out clothes for John to wear to the Gift-Giving. 

"This is what I'm wearing? Why is this what I'm wearing?" asks John, gratefully accepting a mug of coffee from Rodney. "And who made you Santa's little elf this morning?"

"You want to look nice when you meet her, don't you? And I'm excited because it's Holiday Gift-Giving Day. Now get dressed while I go shower and then we can go get breakfast." Rodney busses John on the cheek as he passes and John rubs the spot with a growing sense of wonder.

He still keeps touching it occasionally as they sit down to breakfast. All the fixin's for several cultures, his being a huge plate of something from every one. Rodney has loaded up on real bacon, real scrambled eggs, more real bacon, and toast with real butter, sporting a huge grin.

"Gift giving after breakfast!" Rodney sings under his breath. John smiles, starting to really feel the excitement and begins to eat faster.

Since this is a non-denominational Holiday, there is no tree, but in the corner of the mess there is a huge pile of boxes and bags, all covered with wild colors and ribbons and bows. (The SGC kicked in the wrapping paper and the twinkly lights strung all over the room.) Beside the pile is a ladder and resting on the bottom rung, sipping nog of some sort, sits Radek in a festive hat. 

Rodney is finished in record time, grabs John's mostly empty plate, and rushes them both to the empties rack, bellowing, "Okay, it's time! Radek get up there and start the gift giving! Ho ho ho, people. Let's go!" And he rubs his hands together with glee.

Radek rolls his eyes, but passes off his mug of nog and climbs the ladder. Most of the names Radek calls, Rodney is not familiar with, but smiles and claps and whistles all the same. When Dan Surman's name is called, Rodney bites his lip, and watches with some small concern. Dan shrugs and tears open his package to find his expected gift, yarn, yarn and more yarn, and a set of sock blockers. He smiles hugely and fist pumps his happiness. While the military types start to laugh and catcall, one of the female scientists says loudly, "Oh my god, you _knit_? I need new socks desperately, what will you take for a pair of size seven?" And suddenly the marines are standing there gaping, while the orders start pouring in. Dan looks across the way at Jeff Bronte and they share a smile. Rodney slumps with relief.

When Woolsey's name is called, he starts to move forward, but oddly, Ronon beats him to the ladder and takes the package. 

"I got your name and I know you like poetry. But I don't know anything about Earther poets, so I wrote down some of our most honored Satedan epics. In English, so forgive the spelling."

Woolsey's eyes grow wide as he reaches reverently for the package and gently removes the wrapping. It's just a plain wire-bound notebook, but Richard skims through a few pages and then hugs it to his chest, a happy smile on his face. "Ronon, I don't know how to thank you for sharing your culture with me." Richard holds out his hand and Ronon takes it and they shake.

Everyone whistles and cheers.

PFC Colman is called forward for what looks like a Holiday card. He opens it with a puzzled expression then breaks out in a beaming smile. He walks over to Colonel Sheppard and offers him a precise salute, which Sheppard waves away and instead offers his hand and they shake. Rodney grabs the card from Coleman's hand and reads, "golf anytime just look me up".

"For crying out loud, Sheppard. Have you still not learned about capitalization and punctuation?" Rodney shakes the card in John's face. John grabs it and gives it back to Coleman, who smiles and says, "Merry, err, Happy Holiday. Sir." And goes back to show his pals.

The pile slowly grows smaller and smaller, and Rodney starts to worry. "Teyla hasn't gotten anything yet."

"Didn't you know? Radek has been teaching Teyla computers since he saw it on her wish list on the Alpha site."

"Oh! Is that why she has been hanging around the labs so much?" Rodney blinks and then smiles. "She'll pick it up in no time. Teyla is smart."

John reaches over and rubs Rodney's back. "She sure is, buddy."

The pile is down to just one gift when John's name is finally called, and no wonder, the box is an armful. Knowing everyone is watching, John just puts it on the floor and starts shredding paper. He reaches out for the blade everyone has been using to slash open well-taped packages, and zoom, the box is open. Puzzled, John reaches in and pulls out what looks like a huge spider with helicopter blades on its feet.

Rodney is bouncing on his feet like Tigger. "There's a power pack in there and a book of instructions you can toss and it's rechargeable and it can fly for thirty minutes on a single charge!" Rodney stops to take a breath.

"Fly? Rodney what is it?" John asks.

"It's a drone; they are all the rage now on Earth. It has a camera and you can fly it anywhere the signal will reach and oomph!"

John leaps up and grabs Rodney in a bear hug and laughs and laughs. "'Whatever' indeed. You always know what I want."

" _A-hem_!" calls Radek, loudly. "The next-to-last gift is for Rodney McKay!"

Rodney looks up but doesn't see a package in Radek's hands. Confused, he turns to John and opens his mouth to ask, when he feels a tap on his shoulder. He twirls around to see what is happening and there is Teyla, holding a small gray animal about the size of a large kitten. 

"Wha—is that, I mean," Rodney stammers. Teyla simply moves forward and places the animal in Rodney's hands.

"It is a varn'et," she says. "My people keep them as companions, much like your 'cats' and 'dogs.' This one is very young but is already weaned and has been trained to 'go' in a small box filled with sand, as I am told your cats do. She has not yet been named."

Rodney hugs the animal to his chest and asks, "But what about Woolsey, won't he—"

"The varn'et was brought to this planet by my own people, and any damage that will be done, has already been done. So he agreed that having one in Atlantis would be acceptable."

Rodney stares between Teyla and the varn'et as if he can't decide which to kiss, but then drops his lips to the animal's furry head and rubs them. "Tell me a common girl's name in Athosian."

Teyla's eyes widen, but she thinks for a moment and says, "Ayeth."

"Hear that, little girl? Your name is Ayeth." Rodney shifts Ayeth to one arm, pulls Teyla close, and lowers his forehead. She returns the gesture and they part smiling.

Rodney moves to the ladder, where most of the morning's attention has been directed. "Okay! We are ready to give the final gift! Is everyone ready?"

The crowd whoops and cheers.

Rodney taps his com and says, "Miko, you have a go!"

For a moment, nothing happens. People start shifting about and looking at each other worriedly.

Then suddenly there is another figure in the room. An elderly woman with curly white hair and a square face that goes round when she bursts into a huge grin. She has brown eyes and wrinkles and a great dimple on each side of her smile. She is wearing a blue dress that suits her curvy figure. 

Miko comes running into the mess, pushing people aside to get to the front, where she stops still.

"Atlantis?" she whispers.

"Yes, my dear Miko. This is your doing is it not?" Atlantis asked.

"Well, it was the work of many hands, and many hours, but it was I who revealed you to all the others." Miko is blushing furiously. 

"Thank you, sweet Miko. It will be so lovely to be able to communicate directly with my people again. It has been very lonely. 

Suddenly the crowd is shouting, in many languages, "Happy Holiday, Atlantis! Welcome, Atlantis!" And bedlam reigns once again. Mugs of nog are passed around and the cooks disappear into the kitchen and return carrying trays of sugar cookies. 

Rodney watches it all from the sidelines with Ayeth in his arms and John by his side and thinks he has never had a more wonderful Holiday.


End file.
